Articles
HOW DO WE KNOW WHEN WE HAVE MET THE RIGHT PARTNER?
(Written and compiled by Debbie Williamson)
A Guide Line...
A couple in a relationship.. loving each other unconditionally and being equally yoked in all areas is ALWAYS God's will.. The bible says.. God is no respector of persons.. thus He will never gossip about someone and tell you.. so and so is not for you. He does not look at the circumstances and only looks at the heart of man.
Having said this, YOU also have to be content and happy in the relationship.
The reason why God made man and woman was because He desires us not to be alone.. unless we chose to be.
Desperation and a desire to be married are very different scenarios. One might feel desperate in that they so desire to be married.. however, getting married out of sheer desperation is not a reason to get married.
What about rebound. This is so easy especially if one has just come out of a relationship or recently divorced. With rebound comes vunerablity.
I really advise caution and be careful of one sided "God told me" scenario.. when God clearly has not told you......that the person next to you is to be your partner.
It is vital that we be specific before God in search for a partner. If the gent/lady is everything you have prayed for in a partner.. then that is something to work on.. and see where you head.. but do not be fooled by a one sided "God told me so". In the past..I have seen many many people get hurt this way.. and Im talking friends/acquaintances... not Connecting Christians. God tells one party... (apparently).. that the other will be their partner.. and the other party clearly has heard nothing and then feels guilty because he/she is "not in tune" with God's voice and they go ahead and get married.. only ending up with disastrous results mainly because they are so different.. do not share or have similar vision etc etc.
If the person holds none of the attributes that you prayed for.. then you know.. more likely that person is not the partner for you.. Hence the reason why it is imperative that we need to be specific before God in praying for a partner.. and writing down our needs. ("wants" are a bonus!!)
Having said this.... of course a "mistake" (especially in terms of a marriage partner).. can turn into a blessing.. The bible says "ALL things work for the good to those who are called and love Him" .. after some prayerful and careful restructering of attitudes of both parties...(yes.. love is a choice!)...and perhaps some counselling... there is no reason not to have a God filled...love filled...fun filled... restored...marriage...
The bible is also clear about being specific. Many scriptures relate to being specific.
Regarding scripture be careful of that too.. very often we find scriptures to suit us.. and again I can give you many confirmation scripture... that will show you he/she is not the one .. then I can give you scripture that that tells you that he/she is the one..again God is not a god of confusion. When in doubt.. dont...
Go slow.. and do a "check list" and see if he/she is everything you desire in a partner.. pray together.. and have fun together...and enjoy your time together
Hereunder a guide line and in no specific order....
- God is at the centre and Head of your relationship..
- he/she has an ongoing, relatively strong, close relationship with God..
- you have similar vision and desire the same things..
- you are attracted to him/her.. .you are both 99% equally yoked in all areas..
- the balance of 1%... he/she might the right partner for you but no one is perfect!!
- spiritually/emotionally/intellectually/physically/ and even share some interests..
- you are friends with your partner.. ideally he/she is your best friend as well as your partner..
- you pray often together..
- you bring out the best in each other..
- you miss him/her when you not together..
- he/she makes your heart beat..
- you have an open relationship..in terms of communication..
- he/she is involved within a church..
- he/she is well respected within their local church, by family, friends, colleagues and the community at large..
- you can visualise him being priest in the home..
- he/she is a role model..
- he/she is honest with the highest integrity, sincere and trustworthy..
- he/she is faithful, loyal, consistent and steadfast..
- you APPRECIATE one another and regularly communicate this..
- you RESPECT one another..
- he/she can say "sorry" and admit fault if/when necessary..
- there is romance, affection (and thus demonstration of both) in the relationship..
- he/she has completely dealt with their past.. including past relationships..
- he/she is completely set free and not (still) carrying baggage..
- There is no history of violence and/or similar and if yes.. he/she has been completely set free..
- forgiveness comes easy in the relationship..
- he/she can "forget what lies behind and press on towards the goal set before us in Christ Jesus"..
- you have met his/her family.. whilst family members might not always get on.. there is a certain amount of importance there..
- what about both sets of children.. if he/she has.. they all get along.. young children/teenagers especially.. there is a good family bond..
- he/she has a relationship with your children and is good with and/to your children..
- you have got peace..
- he/she makes you HAPPY..
- you can laugh as well as cry with him/her..
- you can visualise been married to him/her..
- you can visualise having babies together. (Even though you might be past and over your child bearing days!!)
- you can visualise growing old together..
- Financially.. whilst he/she might not be wealthy in terms of monetary value... each party is financially sound and not deep rooted in debt..
- he/she is sensible wrt finances..
- is responsible - in terms of holding down a job..
- you are CONTENT in the relationship..
- fear and being nervous are two separate things.. fear is not from God and should be dealt with.
YES, to all the above.. you doing great! Something positive to work on from hereon!
- there is no evidence of God in your relationship..
- you constantly argue.. (disagreements/debate are a natural process of growth and learning and very different to "heated" arguments)..
- you constantly remind him/her about the past and thus find it hard to let go.
- there is evidence of physical/emotional/verbal abuse..
- there is manipulation/jealously/control in the relationship..
- you feel smothered in the relationship..
- his/her/ children come first (before) the relationship..
- he/she places more importance on family members than the relationship..
- he/she makes you angry/cry more often than smile... creating a negative impact on your relationship..
- you cannot seem to do anything right (in his/her eyes) in the relationship..... which might border on abuse..
- you are a workaholic and place more emphasis on your job than you do the relationship, thus creating no balance between work and home..
- there is evidence of substance abuse i.e. alcohol/drugs..
YES, to all the above - cause for concern..... Stop... analyse why.. and sort out the problems... and if the problems cannot be sorted..time to sit up and take note!
- Seek marriage counsel together within his/her church.. and both need to be in the same church.. once the relationship has been established.. Not always possible but in my opinion advisable. Being in two different churches invariably means two different visions/pathways.
- Whilst chemistry is important.. there are times when it is gradual and then there are the times it is instant..
- For most men and women "attraction" means everything. "Attraction" means different things to different people. By all means place emphasis (on attraction) but I really encourage you not to get so caught up is how sexy/gorgeous she looks and how handsome he is.. that you over look the spiritual side of things .. which is equally (if not more) important..
- Falling in love is gradual and then again "love at first sight" is reality. Whichever.. falling in love is natural and thus one needs to allow this to happen. Loving someone is a choice. Falling in love is also a choice. Of course there are "feelings".. but we do have a choice.. and being in love with your partner is a natural process.. and if you not (in love).. one cannot force it. That might sound contradictory.... but ask yourself .. why do you love that person? Why are you in love? It is a choice.. (which cannot be forced).. One falls in love with (and not necessarily in this order)..a) Spirit b) attraction c) heart d) maturity and so it goes..
- If he/she is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict, he/she has been "clean" for at least two years (my opinion).
- Alcohol is a sensitive issue.. he/she might be cautious or over sensitive of the other enjoying an alcohol beverage. Everything in moderation. A couple should to be respectful of one another and be able to discuss such issues together, particularly if one party has a history of alcohol abuse or experienced abuse as a result of alcohol or just does not enjoy (alcohol) for whatever reason.
- Finally.. and one will (or should) only find this out after marriage.. The physical side of marriage. Making love with your marriage partner is a demonstration and a culmination of an act of love shared/expressed between a couple. It is an integral part of marriage and not just based on "needs". Try to keep your physical relationship active, passionate, interesting and alive(!). There are many ways to express love...and remember it is not a duty .. it is a pleasure..!!
Remember too.. that just because someone is a Christian.. does not make them autmatically suited to you. A couple need to have more than just God in common.. and God expects that too. Although one basis their life and marriage on God.. He is in the centre and is the Head.. He does not expect and neither can a couple talk about God all the time.. He needs us to use our intelligence, gifts and be able to chat about anything and everything.
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