Articles

BEING SINGLE
(Written and compiled by Bev Shaw)

I recently asked God the question, “Father, why is it that there are so many of us with a heart’s desire to meet our soulmates, yet we remain single? This article has come about as a result of that question. God laid it on my heart to write the article and, through it, He has given me the answers to that question and many others I had. At the time, I had no idea where to begin with the article but, as I prayed, the Holy Spirit gave me the words He wants to convey to us as singles. This is HIS article, not mine – I am only His instrument.

Not only did I learn a great deal through the writing of this article but Father God impressed upon my heart the incredible love and compassion that he has for the singles and I’ve been deeply touched by it. He knows our hearts and our desires and He hears our every cry. He says in Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you – plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future”.

My prayer is that He will speak into every one of your lives through this article and that you may find the hope, peace and understanding that He wants to impart to you.

When I asked God that question, I felt Him saying that He’s here for every one of us and hears our every prayer but He knows what’s best for us and each one of us has a different journey to travel … and so much to learn. So many of us are crying out to Him with the wrong motives and for the wrong reasons. We are not right in our relationships with HIM. We have a void that He longs to fill if we will only let Him do so but instead we’re trying to fill that void with the love of a partner! We need to get back to the place where HE is our first love and always will be - but all too often we cast Him aside for the love of man/woman. When we are strong enough in our relationship with Him to put Him first and depend on Him totally, then we will be ready to meet the partner of His choosing for us - and together we will grow in our relationship with Him. We need to imprint Luke 12:31 on our hearts and minds, “But seek His kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well”

That, in essence, says it all, but God understands that we’re all at different places and need encouragement and guidance – and He meets us where we’re at.

THE HURTING

Most of us have been through a great deal of trauma and suffering not least of which is going through a divorce. We made vows with the intention of committing to our husband/wife for a lifetime but, somewhere along the way, the “wheels fell off”. We’re now left hurting, broken and vulnerable. This is not God’s plan for us but He understands where we’re at. In this kind of situation it’s easy to say, “Hand it over to God” and quote endless Scriptures but He knows that this is a time when we need to be there for one another. It’s a time when He pours out His love, compassion, grace and mercy through others – and we need to receive that! No matter how much you’re hurting, please do not withdraw! There are fellow-Christians out there who really care and want to help you.

One thing I have to say is that, whilst you are hurting, it’s not a good idea to look for a partner to try to fill the void. This is a time when you need to concentrate on being counseled and receiving healing. God knows exactly where you’re at – and, if you’re willing, He will bring about that healing. Be honest with Him and tell Him exactly how you’re feeling – He’s not only your Father but your Friend and He wants you to talk to Him.

So many of us have the misconception that, if we find a loving partner (someone we can lean and depend on) that will make everything alright. Quite the opposite is true – and we are setting ourselves up to be hurt all over again. A relationship like that may work for a while with the one partner (and sometimes both) feeling “needed” as the other leans on him/her but, the time will come when that kind of dependency takes its toll, the couple split up – and there’s more hurt and devastation added to the hurt we’re already trying to deal with! It is only when both parties are healed, whole and have come to the place where they are totally submitted to God (putting Him first and foremost in our lives) that they can go into a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Psalm 34 : 18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 147 : 3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

THE FEAR FACTOR

Now we come to those of us who have been through the healing but still have vulnerabilities – not the least of which is fear! We meet someone we’d like to get to know better but then the fear sets in and our minds are plagued with “What ifs”, the most common one being, “What if I get hurt again?” The fear holds us back from opening up to that person. We need to understand that fear is not of God and is, in fact, the opposite of faith. The words “Fear not” are mentioned 366 times in the Bible – shouldn’t that tell us something? Fear is a by-product of our pasts – we cannot fear what hasn’t happened yet! The question here is, are we prepared to totally let go of our pasts and live each day as it comes, trusting in our Father and the wonderful plans He has for us. If we’ve handed our pasts over to God, He’s already wiped them out and forgotten about them – which is what we need to do! God doesn’t care about our past mistakes and failures no matter how bad they may seem to us. We are the ones holding onto them – and fearing man. “What will he/she think of me if they know about my past?” We’ve all made mistakes, and, if you are rejected by someone for this reason, then that’s not the person God intended you to be with. The person He has in mind for you is someone who recognizes and accepts you for who you are (not who you were!) and loves you unconditionally.

Isaiah 42 : 9 “See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being, I announce them to you.”

Isaiah 43 : 18 – 19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

God has given us the victory and freedom over fear – let’s claim it and walk in it! When we meet that man/woman we connect with and would like to get to know better, let’s allow ourselves the opportunity to do so. If we allow ourselves to be consumed by fear, we’re already speaking failure and rejection into the relationship. We are, in effect, saying, “I cannot trust you.” Perhaps this isn’t the man/woman for us but, how will we know that if we’re shutting ourselves out from the start? God knows the desires of our hearts and is preparing us for the future husband/wife of His choosing for us but, when we’re controlled by fear, that person could be standing right in front of us and we wouldn’t even know it!

1 John 4 : 18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

THE OUTER “SHELL”

This is where so many of us “miss it”! Firstly, we want the “perfect” mate – and, unfortunately, not one of us is perfect. We focus on physical appearance and whether there’s immediate “chemistry” and “sparks” flying! Something God has placed very strongly on my heart is that many of us have His priorities in reverse. He is our “Sure Foundation” and, a relationship that is “built” on physical attraction does not have a foundation! First and foremost comes the spiritual connection – what can we, together, do for God? Secondly, are we compatible? Do we really like one another? Do we enjoy one another’s company, have common interests and connect on a friendship level? This is so important! One of these days when beauty/handsomeness fades, what will we have left? Yes, I believe that every one of us should make the best of what God has given us – but we should never obsess over our looks! Our real treasures lie in our hearts. God made each one of us unique, yet in His image. Build the foundation and, if it’s God’s plan for you to be together, He will bring in the “chemistry” and romance in His perfect timing. Beauty comes from within and we need to look beyond the surface and into the heart. In later years, when outer looks have faded will we be couples with a solid foundation, connected on every level and loving and cherishing one another throughout the years or will we look at one another and think, “Who are you?”! Here I’m going to bring in a message from Dr. Jim Reeves. When I read it, it touched my heart – and I knew that I could not say it any better.

“For many Christian singles, dating in today’s world has become more about attraction and feelings than substance. God created beauty and certainly wants us to enjoy it. However, when beauty becomes a god and is sought after and worshipped above all else, it moves out of God’s design.

This is very true when applied to connecting with other Christian singles to build relationships. Where in this world did we flip a switch and think that relationships can and should be treated like microwave ovens? Building a relationship is an art form that comes out of effort and practice. It does not “just happen.”

Christian singles have been tricked or seduced into “meat market” mentality. The consideration is totally focused on the surface features of other Christian singles and internal gratification. The primary consideration being used by most Christian singles today is that one must register high on their beauty scale or they are not worthy of a moment of consideration. This is not only shallow but also stupid (I do not use that word often but it really applies in this case.)

Many Christian singles have allowed the elements of attraction to become the total picture of any consideration. Attraction is a wonderful ingredient of any healthy relationship but does not always appear in the first moments of contact. I know of many Christian singles in wonderful relationships that were not attracted to one another in initial contacts. Fortunately they used a more mature approach. The process is what allowed both attraction and love to surface and mature.

What leads your consideration as you relate to other Christian singles?

Christian singles, I believe that this is one of the major contributors to the high divorce rate, especially for second marriages. There is a rush to fill the void and bring comfort and excitement – and the essential elements of love are ignored during the flash to the wedding line. The couple soon awaken to see that there is little, if any, love in the relationship. The only connections built in the relationship were superficial, relating to attraction and feelings. This shallowness will not sustain a relationship and is not my definition of love.

Love is a process of getting to know and experiencing difficulties as well as similarities. It takes time to surface and build a solid foundation. Without such a foundation there is little chance of realizing the much desired love and romance that many Christian singles seek.”

Let me conclude by saying that God has given us a beautiful gift called love but what we do with it is up to us. We can honour and appreciate it or we can misuse, manipulate and abuse it. Love, in all it’s beauty, is so simple yet we complicate it so! There’s a saying “Love hurts” and, all too often we relate love with hurt. This shouldn’t be the case. God is Love and He would NEVER hurt us – that is something we bring about ourselves!

My prayer is that God has spoken to every one of us through this article and that we will change our perceptions and celebrate the wonderful gift of love that He has given us. Remain focused on Him above all else and don’t let your expectations come in the way of what He wants to do in your life. Allow God to be your “Matchmaker” and He will fulfil the desires of your heart, bringing in the person of HIS choosing for you.

May God bless you all in abundance!

Bev

bevs@discoverymail.co.za

Previous Articles

1. How do we know when we have met the right partner?
2. Being single.
3. Is Church important?
4. Is tithing important?
5. Walking on water
6. Smoking - Is it a sin?
7. Divorce - Can we remarry?
8. S*x before marriage - Is it right?
9. Waiting for God
10. Man's Companion

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