Book Reviews

Boundaries in Dating

Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend, ISBN 0-310-20034-2, Zondervan

Dating can cause a lot of hurt and suffering. Many people become disillusioned in the process, and they feel like they do not know how to make it work. However, dating does not hurt people, but dating in out-of-control ways does. To streamline your dating life, this book offers you some rules for romance that can help you find the love of your life through growing in freedom, honesty and self-control.

Avoiding dating is not the way to cure problems encountered in dating. The cure is the same as the Bible’s cure for all of life’s problems, which is spiritual growth leading to maturity. The authors state and discuss the benefits they believe dating has, but also emphasize that a single person must date within a community of people who care about him or her.

Many of the struggles people experience in dating relationships are caused by some problem in the areas of your ability to make choices based on your values and your ability to execute your tasks in keeping the relationship healthy and loving. When two individuals allow each other freedom and take ownership of the relationship, they are creating an environment for love to grow and mature.

To set the basis for the rest of the book, the authors define what a boundary is, its functions and its purpose, supplemented with some examples. When our boundaries are clear, our values can dictate what kinds of people will fit the best.

The first and foremost boundary line of any relationship is truth and honesty. As soon as there is any kind of deception, stop everything. Where there is deception there is no relationship. Deception such as in the areas of finances, work performance and substance use will undermine relationships. A few common areas of deception in dating are pointed out and discussed.

One of the first things to deal with in dating is taking an appropriate stance on dating and your spiritual life. The issue is not how to fit our spiritual life into our dating life, but rather how to fit our dating life into our spiritual life. Bring dating before God and ask for His guidance. Is your dating life bringing you closer to God or pushing you further away? The spiritual aspects of our life that need to be brought into the relationship are discussed.

Fear of being alone can keep you from having boundaries with bad relationships. Aloneness also keeps you from being alone long enough to grow into a person who does not have to be in a relationship in order to be happy. This dependency will keep you from being selective enough to find the kind of person who will be good for you. Cure that fear first end then find a relationship. Some practical advice is given to cure your aloneness. 

No one enters the dating world competent and ready. Dating must be experienced through trial and error. To pay attention to what you have done before is to take ownership of your present and future. How your past affects your dating and how to make your past work for you is investigated. The book helps you identify patterns and to learn how you can stop repeating them.

People have certain traits which have nothing to do with tastes and natural differences but which has to do with character and must be avoided in a serious relationship. A person’s character is what you will experience over a period of time. The authors help you take a look at your preferences and requirements for a relationship and how to evaluate it. You should know your tastes and what is important to you, but stay open and flexible in dating to the un-expecting.

Many singles are attracted to one kind of person but find that they are better friends with another type and actually have more of a relationship with the friend than the one they are attracted to. Further on in the relationship with the person you are attracted to, the deeper problems surface and you will find that the relationship has no lasting substance. The authors give some practical advice to singles continually finding themselves in this situation of meeting only one of the two kinds of persons.

Romantic feelings come from an idealization of the other person, which can be caused by several things, both healthy and unhealthy. The authors help you understand how to experience the good that comes from a friendship and to avoid the problems that come from making friendships into something they are not. “Romanticization” occurs when a lonely person is unable to safely feel and act appropriately upon his lonely emotions. Guidelines are also given to determine if a present friendship is the real thing for a healthy romantic relationship.

We all want and need to be complete, but when this desire is confused with the desires of dating and mating, bad things can happen when opposites attract each other. There is a lot of value in people bringing strengths to a relationship and we all have different gifts and abilities. However, the danger occurs when we make opposing styles or abilities the basis for a relationship. The reasons why opposites attract are explained, but is also pointed out that dating is not a good arena in which to develop oneself in a specific and important aspect of growth.

It is better to find out in the early months of a relationship that you are with someone whom you cannot mutually adapt to than to find out much later or even after marriage. Don’t be someone you are not just to gain someone’s love as this means it is the role you are playing that is being loved and not your true self. You are a person and you cannot go throughout life without pursuing your own wishes, needs and desires, nor should you. Therefore you need to have your own personal boundaries and be yourself from the beginning.

The problem of premature commitment and over-involvement in a dating relationship is a common one. Two people find they have strong feelings for each other and in a short time spend much time together, suspending or neglecting other people, interests and activities. They marry or break up soon thereafter. The time a normal relationship process should take is examined practically. When you date for at least a year, you experience a good measure of the seasons of life that people go through.

To prevent you from being “kidnapped” and sidetracked from reality in the thrills and emotions of meeting someone new, the ingredients that every dating relationship must have to be based in reality is discussed.

What is the role of hope in a relationship? When can I have hope that a mate will change? Hope should be based in reality. The role of reasonable hope in a relationship with reference to some practical indicators is examined. You can’t continue doing the same thing expecting different results. The best predictor of the future is the past. A clinical look is also taken into the scenario where you want to move on with the relationship, but the other party does not want to commit.

To some extent, blaming is part of the human condition, and you come by it honestly. The setting of boundaries on our tendency to blame in dating is examined. Blaming is ascribing responsibility to someone for a fault, but blame also helps to point the way to solutions. Christians should be the least blaming in the world, yet we are often the greatest transgressors. People find themselves pointing the finger at the same person who, a few months ago, was their ideal soul mate.

Gossiping about someone is disrespecting, and it is considered as a lack of respect and a breach of honour. If your feelings, time, opinion or values are not being respected, you need to take some sort of action. It is not disrespectful to fail, but it is disrespectful to continually fail in an area that hurts another and not to take steps to resolve the failure. Actions that do or don’t cure disrespect are examined.

If you are someone who allows yourself to be treated in a certain way in the beginning of a relationship, you are allowing certain things to get a foothold in the relationship and they will grow. Set your limits early on and make them clear. Enforce them and stick to them.

If your relationship has grown to a state where you feel you are falling in love and physically you are becoming more affectionate, is there a good reason to have limits on expressing yourself physically? How far is too far? Your body should belong only to the person you marry because in a physical and spiritual sense, it is all you can give someone and thus should not be given away lightly. Having a boundary in physical intimacy while you are dating is a very important test to see if the person loves you.

Though no one has the power to fix anyone else, you do have the power to respond in healthy ways to your date when problems in love, respect, responsibility and commitment in daring relationships arise. Those types of healthy responses which often involve the careful and caring use of boundaries are explored.

Going through several dating relationships should enrich your life and help you grow closer to God and to grow in your own character. Learning to have good boundaries in dating is work and takes some time. Boundaries in dating are about becoming a truthful, caring, responsible and free person who also encourages growth in those you are in contact with.

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