Book Reviews

The Five Love Languages  

Dr G Chapman, ISBN 1-881273-15-6, Northfield Publishing
Dr. Gary Chapman explains that people express and receive love in different ways and he identified five languages of love. Similar to worldly languages, these love languages also have numerous dialects.

If you express love in a way (or language) your spouse doesn’t understand, he or she won’t realize you’ve expressed your love at all. Perhaps your husband needs to hear encouraging words, but you feel cooking a nice dinner will cheer him up. When he still feels down, you’re puzzled. Or, maybe your wife craves time with you - time away from the kids and television. The flowers you gave her just won’t communicate that you care.

It is thus of great importance that you do know what your partner’s primary and also secondary love languages are, but even more important, how to speak that language!

Dr Chapman points out that of equal importance is the observation made by Dr Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents. He says inside every child is an emotional tank waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the tank is empty, the child will misbehave.

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. You tend to speak your own primary love language and become confused when your partner does not understand what you are trying to communicate. Once you discover the five basic love languages and understand your own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of your spouse, you will gain the understanding of applying various ideas in books and articles.

Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put in a dedicated effort to not only learn our spouse’s primary but also secondary love language.

However, Dr Chapman cautions that before examining the five love languages, the euphoric experience of “falling in love” and the subsequent influence on reality needs to be clearly understood. Before marriage, we are carried along by the force of the in-love obsession. After marriage, we revert back to being the people we were before we fell in love.

The five emotional love languages and dialects comprise:

1. Words of Affirmation in the form of verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouraging words, kind words, humble requests instead of demands.
2. Quality Time in the form of looking at each other while talking, the giving of your undivided attention, togetherness through focussed attention and quality conversation focussing on listening.
3. Receiving Gifts symbolizing that you thought about your partner. Gifts are visual symbols of love. Sharing important moments of your lives or physical presence in times of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your partner’s primary love language is receiving gifts.
4. Acts of Service means doing things for your partner, especially the things most important to him or her. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love.
5. Physical Touch through holding hands, kissing, embracing and s~xual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love. Implicit love touches require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a touching family.
   

In the context of marriage, our differences are magnified if we do not feel loved, but in the security of love, a couple can discuss differences without condemnation. Learning to speak your partner’s primary love language makes this a reality.

Is it possible to love someone whom you hate?

Luke 6:26-33 (NIV)

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. "If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even `sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even `sinners' do that.

Based on this passage together with the principles of the Five Love Languages he teaches, Dr Chapman gives an account of a very successful real case he counselled. If you express an act of love that is designed for the other person’s benefit or pleasure, it is simply a choice.

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