Book Reviews

Loneliness 

The most difficult problem a divorced person faces is loneliness. You are terribly alone, but you also feel like an outcast in a couple orientated community. Not only does this produce feelings that you don’t fit, but the absence of a special person in your life raises questions about your value as an individual person. Various attempts are made to meet your need for someone else, but more often than not, the new relationship becomes a se~ual relationship, even amongst strong professing Christians. The development of friendship and qualities of an interpersonal relationship are lost in the preoccupation with the physical and the resulting guilt feelings.

With reference to a previous article written by Bev Shaw (Connecting Christians member), the following are also applicable here. While you are hurting, it’s not a good idea to look for a partner to try to fill the void. This is a time when you need to concentrate on being counselled and receiving healing. The common misconception is that if you find a loving partner, that will make everything alright. A relationship like that may work for a while with the one partner feeling needed as the other leans on him/her but, the time will come when that kind of dependency takes its toll, the couple split up. It is only when both parties are healed, whole and have come to the place where they are totally submitted to God (putting Him first and foremost in our lives) that they can go into a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

Friendship with another person does help ease loneliness, but the starting point of all relationships is a proper relationship with oneself. Only when you start to fill your own void by enjoying your own companionship, can you begin to be a good companion to someone else. The person who complains about loneliness does not lack contact with people, but contact with himself. Growing as an individual brings new life to a relationship as a couple. There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. The person who is alone can enjoy a stroll along a path, reading a book or watching a movie. These personal experiences of joy can then later be shared with someone else.

A truly single person is one who is complete physically, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually without being dependant on anyone else. For such a person, a relationship is an added blessing. A whole person has three characteristics. The person has a healthy self-concept, a clear and solid faith, and is growing his own roots.

If a single person has been nowhere and experienced nothing, and who has no individual tastes, ambitions and dreams, what can this single person offer to a relationship? What you bring of yourself to a relationship, gives the other person the opportunity of sharing his own personal experiences. This gives both persons the chance to understand each others likes and dislikes or even fears. The inability to share the interests of others is a factor in loneliness and forms part of interpersonal relationship problems.

Encourage yourself to establish new friendships through socializing. Your local Church activities are a good starting point and so also is the Christian Singles Network (CSN) activities, as well other socials organized by Connecting Christians Members such as Leonie and Bev for which Gauteng members are receiving schedules on a regular basis. Focus on building friendships with people of both genders. There is no s~~ual overtones in friendships with people from your own gender which gives you the opportunity for personal growth as well as receiving objective observations about you and your situation that you might not even be aware of.

Being alone has certain advantages. It gives you the opportunity to give undivided attention to spiritual growth as described in 1 Corinthians 7. It is also the time to develop yourself as a single person and to develop your character. You should be preoccupied with preparing yourself for whomever God is preparing for you.

A friendship with someone from the opposite gender could quickly develop into a s~~ual relationship outside of marriage based on the experiences of a previous marriage. It is thus very necessary to avoid physical contact as far as possible as to not trigger something you are later going to regret. A woman seeking male companionship particularly runs this risk.

Pastor André Bustanoby says:

“Affection is the ability to express caring without excessive intimacy. Friendship is the ability to share common interests, tastes and activities. Empathy is the ability to feel what that other person feels. Self-love is the ability to love one’s self and feel one’s self-esteem built up in the relationship. Both a man and a woman need these ingredients in order to establish a meaningful relationship. If you have these in the context of commitment in marriage, s~x will be good.”

The following are some suggestions for activities you can do in your time now being alone:

- Catch up on some Reading. Reading up on different topics will make you a more interesting person when you meet others

- Sport or exercise. Physical activity is a good way of combating depression. You could find a sport you enjoy to do or you can discipline yourself to do jogging or exercises.

- Prepare special meals. Cooking will put you in touch with your tastes and desires.

- Beautify your surroundings. Clean up your house or garden, redo your garden or change the painting. A change is as good as a holiday.

- Crafts. Some craft shops offer lessons which gives you the opportunity to socialise and make new friends.

- Photography. We often don’t know what we like or what we want to do because we never developed a sensitivity to what pleases us.

- Shopping. Develop a sense for clothes that look good on you. Taking pride in your appearance will help lift your spirit.

- Write letters or diaries. Writing down your feelings can be therapeutic as it brings you in touch with you feelings.

Pastor André Bustanoby also makes the following important observations and advice:

Being lonely is a natural part of being alive. Other people may be just a distraction from loneliness and not a cure. Some of your deepest and most painful times of isolation come when you are living with someone you no longer feel close to. The cure for loneliness must begin with you learning to enjoy your own company. Loneliness is natural and not to be feared. It becomes unmanageable only when you run away from it, deny it, and treat it as an illness.

References:

1. But I Didn’t Want A Divorce, André Bustanoby, ISBN 0-310-22171-4, Zondervan Publishing House.

2. Singleness, An article written for Connecting Christians by Bev Shaw, Aug 2006

3. Waiting and Dating, Myles Munroe, ISBN 0-7684-2157-8, Destiny Image Publishers Inc.

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